Heaven Song.

A little song to uplift your nights. Whenever it feels like the sky is falling just remember what is waiting on the other side of this life. Green pastures, sweeter waters, and higher hills.

Parakeets and College

So today I tagged along to petco while my brother got a corn snake. I got distracted, however, by the adorable falpping birds in this glass cage. I'd never really had a pet of my own (only family pets) and now, after seeing the parakeets at Petco, I really want one. Problem is, I'm going to college in a year. That got me thinking about college. All this time, I've been excited about going and "meeting new people" and "growing up". I wanted to live in the dorms, but today I realized something. I don't like being around people all the time. I need time to myself and living in the dorms would be a nightmare for me.

And that made me realize something else, that college isn't this idealic "growing up" period or that much different then high school. Other than academics/living on your own, it's the same type of people, just more of them. Ever since I became a Christian I have struggled like no other to have friends at my school. My walk with God has isolated me from people at school because I never find real Christians at my school. Granted, I'm probably not looking as hard as I should, but still. I've prayed for one reliable, faithful friend but I haven't been able to find one yet. There was this one girl, Brooke, but she is Messianic and I'm Chrisitan, our difference in how and what we believed in created an unbreakable barrier. We are equally faithful, but in two different mindsets on who God is. My walk has even isolated me from girls in my Youth Group and I only really manage to talk to the counclers and two other girls about keeping me accountable just because... In all honesty, I don't think the other girls would hold me accountable to the extent that I want to be held (which is probably "extreme" to them.) I know that John 15:19 says "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.", but it's just exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be the girl that cusses and parties and has boyfriends, but I'm not. I can't be that girl. And I can't connect with people who are like that without back up.

How will college be any different? I plan to go to a small college near home because we can't afford anywhere else. If it were up to me, I would head off to another country or something, but it's not. These people are people I've gone to school with and how will they be any different then the people that already go to my school? Sure there will be well over 7,000 undergraduates and graduates there, but isn't that just multiplying the amount of fakers/and lost people? I'm not mature/good whatever enough to stand with God without some other form of support in a room full of lost people, I'll be pulled down. And THAT is how I feel everyday when I'm at school. I don't want to feel that way in College, I wanted college to be different. To be new. To be fun and memorable and not freaking miserable like High School has been! I know people who will look back on their High School years as the best years of their lives; I'll look back with hate, disdain, and misery. I hate High School and why will college be any different? I can only afford to go to a secular college and even if I secluded myself to a Bible or Christian college, there are plenty of fakers there too!

I don't want to go to college any more. I don't even want to go out in the world anymore if I'm just going to stand alone and be persecuted. Where is the joy in that? I always here about "joy in the hard times" well my "hard times" have been going on for years and I see no end in sight. How can I be joyful in that? Why would God make me stand by myself in my school for years on end? To test my endurance, my Faith? I don't know. I just know that it sucks and it's miserable and I hate it. I just want a true, Christian, Devoted friend. Is that too much to ask? And how will going off to a "new place" and "growing up" change that?

Sorry for the non-uplifting blog, but it's just how I feel at this moment.

Just a cool image

Like I said in my about me, not everything on here is gonna be deep and spiritual; this is one of those times :). I was surfing my deviantART today and found this image. It's an interesting concept and expertly done. If I'm honest, I really don't know what it means. I know that Seven is the perfect number, but I don't really get this piece. Any ideas?

.seven. copyright Zawiera Siarczany

Sun and Moon

 "Shine Your light, I wanna feel You now. 

God I need a miracle, take my heart make it glow. 

Shine Your light from the inside out. I wanna be more like You, 

If You are the sun... Then I wanna be the moon."

As some of you may or may not know, Phil Wickham is a constant source of encouragement and inspiration for me. He is easily my favorite worship leader and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to God for putting Phil's music in my life. It's changed it in more ways than one. Today, while browsing facebook I found an update from Phil saying that you could pre-order his new album for a limited time (as in download it early for 10 bucks, it doesn't release until October.) So, naturally, I jumped right on it. The album is brilliant and so different for him. I always expect a fresh flavor to each of his albums and this just proved my point. He's gone from simple acoustic songs to songs with a unique "guitar" flavor to borderline electronic/pop music to a album full of major chords, if you know what I mean :). Anyway, the album is very happy and joyful which is great for worship, but not really for deep thought like his album "Cannons". But then, towards the end of the album, I came across the song Sun and Moon.

The track is slow and deep, like what I've come to expect from Phil. It's difficult to really explain how it makes me feel, but it is the prayer that is embedded in my soul. This song resonates a song off his first album called Mysteries. It's all about refinding that love for God that we all loose sight of at some point.

A few weeks ago I was at a Fuge Camp in Glorietta, New Mexico. While that I experienced God like I've never experienced before in my life. I'm not a crier and I cried during worship at least once there and I felt like God was sitting right next to me when I sat down and guided me when I worked on the mission field. I was so close to Him that I felt like I could reach out and touch Him. After I returned from camp, even after praying and trying to prepare my heart for life at home, I returned to some of my old ways. Things began getting in between me and my God. For a week or two, I simply ignored it... But, finally, I shook myself out of my stupor and comfort. Satan had gotten to me in the exact way that I had promised God and myself he wouldn't: through compromise. I began compromising how much time I spent with God because of such and such reason, because of this game or this thing I needed to do. And before I knew it, bam! I was on the ground, Satan laughing in my face. I think I was so close to God that I began to become arrogant and thinking I could handle Satan by myself, that nothing could even put a dent in the relationship I had with God because of what I did, becuase I turned to Him, because I changed at camp. All this was just Satan's way of getting to me. The truth is

I didn't do anything at camp. God did.

God changed me, God gave me faith, God gave me the closness which I desired. He did it and by thinking it was me, I pushed Him back and didn't release my burdens. While listening to this song tonight I realized that "my" change wasn't mine at all, it was God's.

The song says "You are the sun and I wanna be the moon", Phil explains that without the sun the moon is just a dark rock, but when the sun reflects off of the moon it releases a light powerful enough to light the entire night sky. Only through God can we experience change and it's not because of anything we've done because we are just black rocks floating in space, but God's bright and shining light makes us into something new.

It's a basic concept that we "know", but don't really understand or feel. It's easy to say that God changes us, but when we listen to a song like this it shows what it truly means to reflect God's light and not our own.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17a

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Full Lyrics:

If You are the Sun, then I want to be the moon.

I want to reflect the light that shines from You

And if this is a war, then I'm gonna draw my sword

This time I know what I am fighting for

God I want to let You know, 

I love everything You are 

I'm waiting for the morning light 

to show a fire in the dark

Shine Your Light, I want to feel You now

God, I need a miracle

You take my heart and make it glow

Shine Your light from the inside out

I want to be more like you

If You are the Sun then I wanna be the moon.

Well, if love is a choice then I need You to hear my voice

I'm the one knocking on Your door making all this noise

Whatever it takes I'd give it all away

Cuz I just want to show my love in a thousand ways.

I want to let You know, 

I love everything You are 

I'm waiting for the morning light 

to show a fire in the dark

Shine Your Light, I want to feel You now

God, I need a miracle

You take my heart and make it glow

Shine Your light from the inside out

I want to be more like you

If You are the Sun then I wanna be the moon.

 

Cuz I can't live another day without You, and I don't even want to try

And I won't take another step without Your light, Your light.

Shine Your Light, I want to feel You now

God, I need a miracle

You take my heart and make it glow

Shine Your light from the inside out

I want to be more like you

If You are the Sun then I wanna be the moon.

 

Full Song (live)

You can pre-order Phil Wickham's CD "Response" or buy his previous CDs at www.philwickham.com.